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Official Relationship Advice Thread V2!


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#1 Imperial

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Posted 16 June 2011 - 11:41 AM

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If you have a question or need advice in regards to a particularly intimate matter (i.e, sexual advice), or if you want to ask advice from someone privately, pm me or any of the following:

Dedaw
Scott
Vulemax


We’ll be happy to help you as best as we can :)
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This is a thread in hopes of cutting back on numerous other threads consisting of the same questions. A lot of guys have trouble interacting and communicating with girls/women and a lot of girls are in a similar boat. Anyone is open to give advice and anyone is open to critique others on their advice. This is a thread to help those who need it and further educate everyone as a whole.

I promise to help everyone and anyone that has a serious concern. For the sake of the thread, don't come in here trolling. Don't be shy/timid (Lesson #1 - Learn it quick) and express yourself here and I assure you that it'll be met with serious discussion and advice. Whether you're in middle school or have graduated college, if you need help you should ask for it.

If you're a girl frequenting these forums, you can use this as a means for asking for help with guys. It's a welcome change and allows us (Guys) to reflect on ourselves, our motives, and actions. I'd also love to hear opinions from you on the advice being given.

I'll repeat the main points of this topic:

- Help guys and give advice on girls
- Allow anyone and everyone to contribute in hopes of educating others
- A good way to converse about a subject many of us are/should be interested in
- Also a topic for women to ask for advice/give advice

The Fundamentals



Lesson #1 – Confidence


Sounds simple, huh? In reality it is simple but it is also the single most important obstacle for a guy to get over. You know that feeling you get when you see a cute girl but don't up to her when you know you should? Yeah, that's fear brought on by a lack of self confidence. You desperately want to go up to a girl in class that you're really into but "can't"? (Notice the quotations) It's not a question of whether you can or not because anyone is capable of going up to someone and starting a conversation. You choose not to go up to her and, deep down inside, you know that.

It's a problem that plagues nearly every single guy when they start out trying to meet girls and new people in general. We're not accustomed to stepping out of our comfort zone, hence why it's called a comfort zone, and thus we make excuses and find ways to avoid doing so. One can never experience life to the fullest if they don't step out from under that "safety blanket". It's your responsibility to step out of that comfort zone and, in turn, you'll expand it.

I won't lie to you. It's going to be difficult at first and you won't like it. You'll be nervous and you'll want to give up on it. The key is that you don't give in and quit on yourself. You need to go up to people and just talk. It gets easier as time goes on and you'll become more comfortable talking to strangers, be it a girl or a guy, in the end. I can't help you; no one can, if you can't help yourself first.

Lesson #2 - Learn from your mistakes

Lets assume you've overcome the problem of low self confidence. Good job, it's a big step to take on a long journey. You should now be talking to any and every girl you feel is interesting or attractive. As you converse with more and more girls, you'll find that you'll get turned down by some and with some you'll hit it off. That's natural and something you should fully expect. Every single girl isn't going to find you attractive or interesting, deal with it. Don't fear rejection, it means absolutely nothing.

You talk to a girl and have a great, engaging conversation? Good job. Now take mental notes on what you did, how you did it, and what worked. Take that experience with you for the next time you talk to a girl. How about if the girl was completely uninterested? Learn from it. What did you say that you shouldn't have said? Maybe you could have worded something differently? Flirted more? Less? You need to examine these interactions and learn from your experiences or else you'll just stay stagnant.

Lesson #3 - It's not what you say, it's how you say it

It's a simple lesson that deals with confidence. Speak up, sit/stand tall with good posture, and look a person in the eyes when you talk to them. Be sure to smile/smirk when you are joking around. Show the girl you're a person she wants to be around and can show her a good time. Pay attention to body language, yours and hers, and act accordingly. If you're having a good time, move closer and increase physical contact. That touch will tell her everything you want to say without a single word. When I say "increase physical contact" I mean in a logical manner. You're not going to jump on top of her after she says "Hi."

You have trouble approaching a girl and starting a conversation? How you say something is much more important than what you say and what you say for the next 10 minutes after that is a lot more important than your opening line. Don't rely on some predetermined "pick up line" and hope that does all the work. They don't. How stupid would you look opening up with a pick up line and then having nothing to talk about afterwords? Did you expect some witty remark that a teenager on the internet came up with is going to get you laid with no other effort?

If you need topics to discuss and bring up during a conversation then look to books. Think of opinionated questions to ask that will really get her thinking and prepare to carry on the conversation accordingly. Situational questions really work well, such as about the class you might be in, or some witty event that just took place in sight (say someone made a big commotion down the hall or there was a fight in the lunch hall. Maybe a teacher walked out of the school in handcuffs or there was a wreck down the road).

Lesson #4 - The Friend Zone

Essentially, ‘The Friend Zone’ is a situation where a guy talks to a girl in such a way, or has known a girl for such a time, to where the opportunity for a relationship does not exist anymore. It can happen in a matter of minutes or days, weeks or months. Perhaps you meet a girl who is pretty cool to talk to. You don’t express any attraction for her, and treat her like you would any of your male friends. This can give off a friendly vibe to her, which makes it look like you’re not interested. In return, she’ll realize that you’re not showing signs of interest, and she’ll mentally drop any feelings she might have for you and place you in the ‘friend zone’. Maybe this girl is actually someone you’ve known for many years. Maybe you show some interest, but never actually make any official moves (asking on dates, asking her out, things like that). This can also put a guy in the friend zone.

One common misconception is that a guy may already be stuck here. It is typical for guys to have female friends who are really close to them and have been for many years. Most of the time, if any feelings existed, the girl has thrown those away long ago. However, sometimes these feelings lie dormant inside of the girl, just as they may have for the guy all this time. This is more so the friend trap phenomenon, where either party is afraid of potentially ruining a great friendship by admitting their feelings for the other. A lot of times, they’re right, but sometimes there’s a beautiful relationship there that never gets discovered. Sometimes the friends will admit their feelings and date, trying to see what happens. They may be happy for a short time, but seldom times a friend will realize that they misconceived their feelings, either because of a recent breakup or some other event, and want to go back as friends.

The friend zone, ultimately, is a place where the guy has been placed forever in a girl’s mind. It takes certain special events to be brought out, and those kinds of things rarely happen. This is why dating a long time friend is hard to do, and why you guys must, at least in the slightest, let the girl know you’re interested. They’ve got to know you’re worth their investment before they decide to stick around longer. And of course, girls can experience the same thing with guys. I know I personally wouldn’t waste my time working on a girl who hasn’t shown me any kind of attraction.

Big thanks to Legendsword for making the original (and a lot of the above!) topic.

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#2 Lamesauce

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Posted 16 June 2011 - 11:58 AM

Interesting and well thought out post. I enjoyed reading it. :thumbsup:

#3 Imperial

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Posted 16 June 2011 - 12:42 PM

That's what we're here for :thumbsup:

If you or someone you know needs advice, tell 'em to come to us. We have a pretty good track record at being helpful here.. :#

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#4 Magick

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Posted 16 June 2011 - 12:49 PM

I have to admit, i chuckled when i read what you guys posted on the other topic about being intimate :thumbsup:

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#5 Johnyisbest

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Posted 16 June 2011 - 12:54 PM

Think you helped a lot of people on the other version, I'm sure you'll do the same here  :thumbsup:

#6 babyboy98683

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Posted 16 June 2011 - 12:57 PM

Nice thread.  You put confidence as #1 so you definitely know your stuff.  The thing you wrote about the friend zone had me cracking up.  "you can be there in minutes" LOL  The friend zone SUCKS!
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#7 The duck

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Posted 16 June 2011 - 01:08 PM

Why was the other thread removed? I always found it usefull (yes you read that well :thumbsup: ) to read advice because you can always apply some to yourself!

Anyways, I hope this thread will help others like the other did, as it has helped me! Now to put it into practice!:#

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#8 Imperial

Imperial

    Be vewy vewy quiet, I'm hunting thwee's

Posted 16 June 2011 - 01:16 PM

View PostMagickrider, on 16 June 2011 - 12:49 PM, said:

I have to admit, i chuckled when i read what you guys posted on the other topic about being intimate :lol:

lol I mean its a serious topic that a lot of people have questions for. Given that this is a forum accessible by anyone (technically, should be 13+), such a mature topic should be kept for more mature boards.

View PostJohnyisbest, on 16 June 2011 - 12:54 PM, said:

Think you helped a lot of people on the other version, I'm sure you'll do the same here  :thumbsup:

Thanks :no:


View Postbabyboy98683, on 16 June 2011 - 12:57 PM, said:

Nice thread.  You put confidence as #1 so you definitely know your stuff.  The thing you wrote about the friend zone had me cracking up.  "you can be there in minutes" LOL  The friend zone SUCKS!

Honestly that first post is from Legendsword. I just went in and pruned/tweaked it a bit.

View PostThe duck, on 16 June 2011 - 01:08 PM, said:

Why was the other thread removed? I always found it usefull (yes you read that well :# ) to read advice because you can always apply some to yourself!

Anyways, I hope this thread will help others like the other did, as it has helped me! Now to put it into practice!:lol:

Well It was getting pretty large, so Frozenone and I figured it'd be good to start it over. Plus, the OP is on tour in Iraq, so its not like he could be present to bump it or edit the original post or anything.

I took some of the advice myself. Its hard to take your own advice, so having others who like to contribute is always a plus.

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#9 Darius IX

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Posted 16 June 2011 - 08:00 PM

i miss the old thread  :-P

(though im sure this will be just as good. thanks imperial :thumbsup:)
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#10 Imperial

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Posted 16 June 2011 - 08:49 PM

I'm sure it will, if someone would get on here and ask us some questions already. :XD:

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#11 Slam

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Posted 16 June 2011 - 09:12 PM

So... this isn't your typical problem I suppose. I don't have a problem getting girls per say, but rather pushing them away. I'll go dancing or something and really engage with a girl (sometimes we get a little too close if you will), but I never ask for a number, I never follow through, anything. I use to have no problem dancing/kissing girls and never seeing them again, but I fear it's becoming a habit and it's making it more difficult for me to actually get a girl I like. When a girl comes along that I actually like (not simply lust) I freak out a bit as if I've scared myself. And instead of being the guy that I normally am I tense up, almost avoid said girl, it's weird. Most people call me a man whore, and say I can get any girl I want. But the girls I actually do want I can't seem to get (I've had some disastrous situations arise that I won't go into detail with unless you want to know).

A bit more background info - These issues with dating arose after I broke up with my girlfriend of three years. It's been over a year since we broke up but since then I just can't get into the dating scene again. And I did not act like a man whore before I started dating this girl long term, it was after we broke up.

tl;dr - So... how do I stay charming without being a pig towards girls I genuinely like and actually get a date with them? I'm tired of being that guy who people think is a man whore. I think if I can start dating a girl I really like those jerk tendencies will fall away again.

Edit: I feel weird telling you guys this. And I probably don't have a problem in most eyes but I'd like to see what you guys think anyways. If anything else at least this thread is kicked off again :XD:
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#12 Scott

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Posted 16 June 2011 - 09:32 PM

Glad to see this thread back.  Always a great source of knowledge and advice, and it's good to see a thread where people can actually be serious and helpful.

@Slam, gradually try to back off a bit I guess.  Go out dancing, but maybe don't start kissing girls unless you genuinely like them.  Start talking to a girl and see where it goes.  I know you that part of you is still there, you've just been scared to bring it out since your breakup, and that's understandable.  I guess I'd just say to try to calm it down a little.  Obviously you should have fun, but don't get too wild.  Take a step back and just try talking to someone and get to know them, see where it goes.

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#13 amar

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Posted 17 June 2011 - 03:01 AM

:XD:

Edited by amar, 02 July 2011 - 02:58 PM.


#14 -Undecided-

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Posted 17 June 2011 - 05:29 AM

View Postamar, on 17 June 2011 - 03:01 AM, said:

I've got a problem too.

I've been with this girl for over two years and everything has been great. I sacrificed a lot for this girl... my family does not like her [for some really complicated reason that I cant explain here] and my continuation of our relationship kind of led to a quasi falling out with my family. Anyway, about six months ago we moved in together. Nothing was wrong, we had sex like twice a day, all that good stuff. But around 3 weeks ago she had to move back to her mother's, because of family problems and all that stuff. So we've been spending a lot less time together, and she's been working while I'm off university. Then there's this other girl, who does the same course as me (law), has the same music taste as me, and has an amazing personality. I think its obvious that there's chemistry between us and she likes me too. Her looks aren't even comparable to my girlfriend's... but I'm just falling for her, its weird. The thing is, she lives in Manchester, and when university starts again, I don't even know if I'm prepared for a long distance relationship. I don't even know if these emotions are temporary. I don't want to hurt my girlfriend but at the same time I want to know this other girl better.

Someone talk some sense into me?

I don't think I like the situation that's coming about and you're probably going to have to choose between one or the other really soon. You've been going out with your current girlfriend for 2 years and as you've said made a lot of sacrifices, which tells me at least that you care about this girl a lot. If you're letting yourself get feelings for another person (which is obviously very hard to control) you need to think about how your girlfriend will be feeling throughout this whole process. You can't have the best of both worlds, its just not fair on your girlfriend. If you are starting to feel different about your girlfriend or you're not feeling the same as you used to then I believe its something you need to sort out between the two of you before you start getting to know anybody else better.  

Are you ready to give up the girl you've be going out with for 2 years on a chance with this girl from university (and is she the long distant one, I couldn't really tell from that way you posted it)? Put yourself in your girlfriends shoes for a second and how she would feel before doing anything rash where you could end up losing both. That's just my thoughts!


On a related note, Hi Impy! Been browsing this thread a lot and even tempted to post a few confusing times throughout my relationship but haven't, though this really is a good thread for everyone's problems!

Edited by -Undecided-, 17 June 2011 - 05:30 AM.

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#15 Darius IX

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Posted 17 June 2011 - 06:43 AM

View Postamar, on 17 June 2011 - 03:01 AM, said:

I've got a problem too.

I've been with this girl for over two years and everything has been great. I sacrificed a lot for this girl... my family does not like her [for some really complicated reason that I cant explain here] and my continuation of our relationship kind of led to a quasi falling out with my family. Anyway, about six months ago we moved in together. Nothing was wrong, we had sex like twice a day, all that good stuff. But around 3 weeks ago she had to move back to her mother's, because of family problems and all that stuff. So we've been spending a lot less time together, and she's been working while I'm off university. Then there's this other girl, who does the same course as me (law), has the same music taste as me, and has an amazing personality. I think its obvious that there's chemistry between us and she likes me too. Her looks aren't even comparable to my girlfriend's... but I'm just falling for her, its weird. The thing is, she lives in Manchester, and when university starts again, I don't even know if I'm prepared for a long distance relationship. I don't even know if these emotions are temporary. I don't want to hurt my girlfriend but at the same time I want to know this other girl better.

Someone talk some sense into me?

im guessing you still like your girlfriend. maybe youre unconsciously just trying to find someone to fill her spot because shes not there? thatd account for you 'falling for' the other girl. what happens when stop seeing girl #2? youll find someone else that youll like. i suppose if you want to get caught in that kind of cycle thats up to you. but im guessing what you have now is good. youre just going through a sort of rough patch in your relationship that you just need to push through. (oh on a side note its a fairly big deal that girl 2 doesnt look nearly good as your girlfriend. generally, people with the same level of physical beauty are more likely to stay together longer (im going to assume youre on par with your girlfriend :innocent:). and even if that was not the case, at some point you most likely would compare girl 2 to your girlfriend which probably wouldnt go too well for girl 2/your relationship with her)
thats my 2cents. but ofc, in the end do what you feel is right.

View PostSlamajama, on 16 June 2011 - 09:12 PM, said:

So... this isn't your typical problem I suppose. I don't have a problem getting girls per say, but rather pushing them away. I'll go dancing or something and really engage with a girl (sometimes we get a little too close if you will), but I never ask for a number, I never follow through, anything. I use to have no problem dancing/kissing girls and never seeing them again, but I fear it's becoming a habit and it's making it more difficult for me to actually get a girl I like. When a girl comes along that I actually like (not simply lust) I freak out a bit as if I've scared myself. And instead of being the guy that I normally am I tense up, almost avoid said girl, it's weird. Most people call me a man whore, and say I can get any girl I want. But the girls I actually do want I can't seem to get (I've had some disastrous situations arise that I won't go into detail with unless you want to know).

A bit more background info - These issues with dating arose after I broke up with my girlfriend of three years. It's been over a year since we broke up but since then I just can't get into the dating scene again. And I did not act like a man whore before I started dating this girl long term, it was after we broke up.

tl;dr - So... how do I stay charming without being a pig towards girls I genuinely like and actually get a date with them? I'm tired of being that guy who people think is a man whore. I think if I can start dating a girl I really like those jerk tendencies will fall away again.

Edit: I feel weird telling you guys this. And I probably don't have a problem in most eyes but I'd like to see what you guys think anyways. If anything else at least this thread is kicked off again :$

just relax a bit. the reason why youre fine with other girls is because you dont put much thought into them. i suppose youre overthinking the girls you like. i know how you feel. i just came off a long term relationship and i kinda feel the same. i suppose its because your previous relationship didnt end how you wanted it so youre trying to avoid that same hardship.
its about attitude. im not telling you to act out of character or anything but if you sincerely like a girl then you approach her with an attitude of sincerity. i cant really explain it exactly. i suppose girls who want an actual relationship in general like the guy whose sincere. just take it slow, treat them right, and just relax.

Edited by Darius IX, 17 June 2011 - 06:58 AM.

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#16 Livestrong

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Posted 17 June 2011 - 12:36 PM

In this day and age is it acceptable to randomly go up to a girl and ask her on a date? I've been in a few relationships but I always knew them first and it seems the same way with most of my friends' relationships lately.

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#17 Imperial

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Posted 17 June 2011 - 04:17 PM

View PostSlamajama, on 16 June 2011 - 09:12 PM, said:

So... this isn't your typical problem I suppose. I don't have a problem getting girls per say, but rather pushing them away. I'll go dancing or something and really engage with a girl (sometimes we get a little too close if you will), but I never ask for a number, I never follow through, anything. I use to have no problem dancing/kissing girls and never seeing them again, but I fear it's becoming a habit and it's making it more difficult for me to actually get a girl I like. When a girl comes along that I actually like (not simply lust) I freak out a bit as if I've scared myself. And instead of being the guy that I normally am I tense up, almost avoid said girl, it's weird. Most people call me a man whore, and say I can get any girl I want. But the girls I actually do want I can't seem to get (I've had some disastrous situations arise that I won't go into detail with unless you want to know).

A bit more background info - These issues with dating arose after I broke up with my girlfriend of three years. It's been over a year since we broke up but since then I just can't get into the dating scene again. And I did not act like a man whore before I started dating this girl long term, it was after we broke up.

tl;dr - So... how do I stay charming without being a pig towards girls I genuinely like and actually get a date with them? I'm tired of being that guy who people think is a man whore. I think if I can start dating a girl I really like those jerk tendencies will fall away again.

Edit: I feel weird telling you guys this. And I probably don't have a problem in most eyes but I'd like to see what you guys think anyways. If anything else at least this thread is kicked off again :thumbsup:

If I remember Slama, didn't you get out of a long term relationship not too long ago? perhaps you were clubbing and partying with various girls for the thrill and the feel good to help you cope with the breakup. Now you're finally over it and want to actually meet and treat a girl to a good time.

Try to keep the physical aspect of flirting/meeting a new girl until after you've established a foot in the door. By this I mean talking to them/getting numbers/planning dates. Things like that. Sure, maybe you meet a girl and you dance for a bit, but get her number and prevent yourself from being too sexual with her. My mentality for encounters like that is that they're charged by lust and not so much attraction. True story: A friend of mine met a guy and danced with him, they went home together that night and had a good time. Afterwards, the guy told her he was drunk and just wanted to f somebody, which killed everything.

So dance, yes, because that is a good thing and at a club you should do this. But try to limit what you do in terms of kissing and grabbing and things. Talk to them after the dance, get some numbers.

The main thing you need to do is look for girls you feel you could see yourself with on a daily basis. Not necessarily long term, but, find a girl who is pleasing to the eye and mind at the same time who you could find yourself telling your friends "I see myself with her tomorrow."

View PostScott, on 16 June 2011 - 09:32 PM, said:

Glad to see this thread back.  Always a great source of knowledge and advice, and it's good to see a thread where people can actually be serious and helpful.

:-(

View Postamar, on 17 June 2011 - 03:01 AM, said:

I've got a problem too.

I've been with this girl for over two years and everything has been great. I sacrificed a lot for this girl... my family does not like her [for some really complicated reason that I cant explain here] and my continuation of our relationship kind of led to a quasi falling out with my family. Anyway, about six months ago we moved in together. Nothing was wrong, we had sex like twice a day, all that good stuff. But around 3 weeks ago she had to move back to her mother's, because of family problems and all that stuff. So we've been spending a lot less time together, and she's been working while I'm off university. Then there's this other girl, who does the same course as me (law), has the same music taste as me, and has an amazing personality. I think its obvious that there's chemistry between us and she likes me too. Her looks aren't even comparable to my girlfriend's... but I'm just falling for her, its weird. The thing is, she lives in Manchester, and when university starts again, I don't even know if I'm prepared for a long distance relationship. I don't even know if these emotions are temporary. I don't want to hurt my girlfriend but at the same time I want to know this other girl better.

Someone talk some sense into me?

I agree with Undecided in that you need to sort yourself out before doing anything. Ask yourself (and answer it on here please) these questions:

What if this girl in your class is totally not what you thought she was?
Have you lost feelings for your girlfriend?
Are you prepared to give up such a long relationship for this girl?
You've been with your girlfriend long enough to know that, preventing some form of infidelity or large falling out, you should continue to be with her. Could you honestly say the same about this new girl?
Even more so, how can you be so certain that this girl will continue to be with you?
Consider the weight of your relationship compared to the potential of a new one with this new girl. Is giving up everything you've done with this girl worth it?

Don't do anything stupid. Please. Good chance you'll regret it afterward. There's nothing wrong with talking and hanging out with this girl, but keep it platonic before making any moves with your girlfriend.

e: If you are happy with your girlfriend, there's no reason why you should leave her for this new girl. However, if you have found yourself feeling unhappy about the relationship, and there's nothing you can do to fix what is making you unhappy, well, never miss an opportunity to be happy. No matter how much more attractive one is over the other (if I read right, your girlfriend is better looking, lol).


View Post-Undecided-, on 17 June 2011 - 05:29 AM, said:

On a related note, Hi Impy! Been browsing this thread a lot and even tempted to post a few confusing times throughout my relationship but haven't, though this really is a good thread for everyone's problems!

Hi Undy :blink: Feel free to come here, you're among friends and peers in the same boat I assure you! Or drop me a PM if you want to keep it private! :-S


View PostLivestrong, on 17 June 2011 - 12:36 PM, said:

In this day and age is it acceptable to randomly go up to a girl and ask her on a date? I've been in a few relationships but I always knew them first and it seems the same way with most of my friends' relationships lately.

In some sense, yes. It is perfectly okay for a guy/girl to walk up to someone, make some small talk and say "You're someone I'd like to get to know better, would you care to go for a bite to eat sometime?" Naturally, most relationships bud out of meeting the person, talking to them for a little and getting to know them, and then asking them out, but its not much different than the former really.

Hell, technically I knew next to nothing about my girlfriend when I asked her out after meeting her barely over two days prior. And everything is going wonderfully.

Edited by Imperial, 17 June 2011 - 04:20 PM.

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#18 BrokenDolly

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Posted 17 June 2011 - 05:59 PM

View PostLivestrong, on 17 June 2011 - 12:36 PM, said:

In this day and age is it acceptable to randomly go up to a girl and ask her on a date? I've been in a few relationships but I always knew them first and it seems the same way with most of my friends' relationships lately.

YES lol. I honestly hate it when girls go 'I don't know this guy.. why should I have said yes.' and I shake them and say BECAUSE HE'S BRAVE ENOUGH TO ASK YOUUU. I think fear of denial has stopped people from taking great risks.

Also I hear as you grow older the asking someone you don't really know on a date becomes more common.. (: & if something does go wrong, who cares? you don't really know her lol.

And, it never has to be a date date, you can ask to take them out to coffee or err.. idk (:

*

Erm I guess I have a question for the guys. Not really relationship-ish but still a good question.
What do you boys want your gf's to give you on your birthday's/Christmas/valentines day? Do you guys expect something handmade? Expensive? Is giving lovy dovy stuff okay? Like bears? Please don't say sex. :P lol I constantly have this problem.. I never know what to get my BF's

Edited by BrokenDolly, 17 June 2011 - 06:02 PM.

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#19 PvpDynasty

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Posted 17 June 2011 - 08:12 PM

View PostImperial, on 17 June 2011 - 04:17 PM, said:

View PostSlamajama, on 16 June 2011 - 09:12 PM, said:

So... this isn't your typical problem I suppose. I don't have a problem getting girls per say, but rather pushing them away. I'll go dancing or something and really engage with a girl (sometimes we get a little too close if you will), but I never ask for a number, I never follow through, anything. I use to have no problem dancing/kissing girls and never seeing them again, but I fear it's becoming a habit and it's making it more difficult for me to actually get a girl I like. When a girl comes along that I actually like (not simply lust) I freak out a bit as if I've scared myself. And instead of being the guy that I normally am I tense up, almost avoid said girl, it's weird. Most people call me a man whore, and say I can get any girl I want. But the girls I actually do want I can't seem to get (I've had some disastrous situations arise that I won't go into detail with unless you want to know).

A bit more background info - These issues with dating arose after I broke up with my girlfriend of three years. It's been over a year since we broke up but since then I just can't get into the dating scene again. And I did not act like a man whore before I started dating this girl long term, it was after we broke up.

tl;dr - So... how do I stay charming without being a pig towards girls I genuinely like and actually get a date with them? I'm tired of being that guy who people think is a man whore. I think if I can start dating a girl I really like those jerk tendencies will fall away again.

Edit: I feel weird telling you guys this. And I probably don't have a problem in most eyes but I'd like to see what you guys think anyways. If anything else at least this thread is kicked off again :blink:

If I remember Slama, didn't you get out of a long term relationship not too long ago? perhaps you were clubbing and partying with various girls for the thrill and the feel good to help you cope with the breakup. Now you're finally over it and want to actually meet and treat a girl to a good time.

Try to keep the physical aspect of flirting/meeting a new girl until after you've established a foot in the door. By this I mean talking to them/getting numbers/planning dates. Things like that. Sure, maybe you meet a girl and you dance for a bit, but get her number and prevent yourself from being too sexual with her. My mentality for encounters like that is that they're charged by lust and not so much attraction. True story: A friend of mine met a guy and danced with him, they went home together that night and had a good time. Afterwards, the guy told her he was drunk and just wanted to f somebody, which killed everything.

So dance, yes, because that is a good thing and at a club you should do this. But try to limit what you do in terms of kissing and grabbing and things. Talk to them after the dance, get some numbers.

The main thing you need to do is look for girls you feel you could see yourself with on a daily basis. Not necessarily long term, but, find a girl who is pleasing to the eye and mind at the same time who you could find yourself telling your friends "I see myself with her tomorrow."

That's a key thing, but I disagree with keeping the physical thing until you've established a foot in the door. If you establish a foot in the door without a little bit of physical escalation and making sure they understand you want a relationship, then you're going to get friendzoned.

Also, ironically, you do better with girls when you don't care about the results as much, which explains why you can't get the girls you really want; just lighten up.

View Postamar, on 17 June 2011 - 03:01 AM, said:

I've got a problem too.

I've been with this girl for over two years and everything has been great. I sacrificed a lot for this girl... my family does not like her [for some really complicated reason that I cant explain here] and my continuation of our relationship kind of led to a quasi falling out with my family. Anyway, about six months ago we moved in together. Nothing was wrong, we had sex like twice a day, all that good stuff. But around 3 weeks ago she had to move back to her mother's, because of family problems and all that stuff. So we've been spending a lot less time together, and she's been working while I'm off university. Then there's this other girl, who does the same course as me (law), has the same music taste as me, and has an amazing personality. I think its obvious that there's chemistry between us and she likes me too. Her looks aren't even comparable to my girlfriend's... but I'm just falling for her, its weird. The thing is, she lives in Manchester, and when university starts again, I don't even know if I'm prepared for a long distance relationship. I don't even know if these emotions are temporary. I don't want to hurt my girlfriend but at the same time I want to know this other girl better.

Someone talk some sense into me?

"The grass is always greener"

Why would you leave a relationship you're already happy with for a "possibility" that's also going to end up as an LDR? She's busy and going through some problems; give her a couple months to work stuff out and it'll work out fine, I think. If it's not broken, don't fix it.

Of course, if you no longer like your girlfriend, then you should be letting her go whether there's another girl waiting in the wings or not...

P.S. Don't be PMing me for...um, intimate, advice when you guys need it. Thanks  :-(

#20 Darius IX

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Posted 17 June 2011 - 08:40 PM

View PostBrokenDolly, on 17 June 2011 - 05:59 PM, said:

View PostLivestrong, on 17 June 2011 - 12:36 PM, said:

In this day and age is it acceptable to randomly go up to a girl and ask her on a date? I've been in a few relationships but I always knew them first and it seems the same way with most of my friends' relationships lately.

YES lol. I honestly hate it when girls go 'I don't know this guy.. why should I have said yes.' and I shake them and say BECAUSE HE'S BRAVE ENOUGH TO ASK YOUUU. I think fear of denial has stopped people from taking great risks.

Also I hear as you grow older the asking someone you don't really know on a date becomes more common.. (: & if something does go wrong, who cares? you don't really know her lol.

And, it never has to be a date date, you can ask to take them out to coffee or err.. idk (:

*

Erm I guess I have a question for the guys. Not really relationship-ish but still a good question.
What do you boys want your gf's to give you on your birthday's/Christmas/valentines day? Do you guys expect something handmade? Expensive? Is giving lovy dovy stuff okay? Like bears? Please don't say sex. :P lol I constantly have this problem.. I never know what to get my BF's

have you asked your guy friend what he wants?

and i cant speak for everyone, but for me, i really dont need anything. to have my gf love/care for me is enough.

however i know there is that feeling that youre obligated to give something. something that you can do together might be nice. like tickets to a show you both want to see or something like that. or something of sentimental value. for instance, me and my old girlfriend used to be avid moviegoers. in the beginning our dates consisted of just a movie. so for christmas she got me dvds of all the movies we went to see regardless of whether we actually watched them or not. and if you cant think of anything, just something of value will suffice i suppose. like maybe a cologne you like.  or you can take the easy way and buy a giftcard (last resort type thing).

oh and no bears or anything like that. most guys dont actually appreciate them so theyre kinda a waste. i mean they have no use or sentimental value or monetary value. more likely then not, theyll just be thrown away when you break up.
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